Down, but not out

On Monday, I found out that the company I had been working for were not going to give me full-time employment.

"The first blog post will always be shit, but it's a start"

 — Ernie Huntingway (I think he was called).

On Monday, I found out that the company I had been working for were not going to give me full-time employment. I had failed their probation period, twice. A long story cut well short: I wasn't suited for the job.

The past week has developed into a crossroads befitting of the Youtube motivational videos where some extremely motivated and driven individual is edited into a montage of people trying and then failing, crying but then somehow finding the resolve within to get off their arse and win.

However, I have had no such montage. Einaudi's 'Experience' hasn't played on repeat, Rocky's speech to little Rocky hasn't rung true, yet. But, what it has made me realise is that I don't consider myself worthy of success. It hurts to say this, but it's true.

It's a complex tonic that requires some acceptance you've goofed and then learning to smell the guff that's been your soundtrack or inner monologue for years. School, Uni, Grad scheme, Job, Mid-Life crisis, golf, then die. This realisation isn't anything new. It's just that I, as a nye on Gen Zer, am now in this teeth of this realisation.

I have reached twenty five years on Earth and I feel that I have achieved nothing, done nothing with my life, fought no wars, felt heartbreak vicariously, and have never had twenty/twenty vision. Again, I think this is common for young men, and I presume, young women–maybe not the bad vision part, but we'll see, or maybe not.

To return to my earlier realisation: I am afraid of success because I don't think I am worthy of this. This realisation needs unpacking. I am not going to divulge a life story here, just make the point plain––I do not mean monetary success, fame, or extrevagence beyond our wildest dreams. I mean the success that comes from grappling with a fear of failure and holding that serpent at bay long enough so that you can impart something on the world–battle with the laws of nature long enough so that you transfer some mark of action on your environment. Writing this blog post for example, or starting that fashion label you've always wanted to do. Once this initial foray is complete, the success being content with do the same thing again, again, and again.

I've been fearful of starting something, anything that might put me in a position to fail because I've set my parameters of success in the palms, eyes, and ears of other people. We know what's possible for ourselves, and that's what frightens us. We're the only one to stand in our way...

Yeah, yeah. Now I am starting to sound like those motivational speakers. Something about being hit by life or summat like that. Anyway, I've been given a golden opportunity. While this blog post is rushed, and a little shit, I see it as a starting point. I've had my hand forced. I don't know what will happen next.

I kinda like that.